I’m not weird. Okay, well that’s just a lie – I’m weird and I love it. Weird is different, weird is unique, weird is being yourself and being okay with it. Fudge yeah I’m weird! But I’m not off the mark about this: I believe in something greater than myself. I don’t claim to understand who or what it is. I don’t offer up a precise explanation of how it works. I just recognize that it is present, I can see it’s impact, and I respect it’s power. I also try to honor it in a way that I feel is authentic, connected, and meaningful.
I’ve had a rough few weeks at work. The kind of rough that when a friend asked me “Why would someone do this?” I was simultaneously flooded with answers and without an answer. I can see how what I am doing is helping, and I absolutely believe that at my core. But I can also see how the progress can be marginal and easily lost… or maybe the progress is a seed that grows when watered, but the water is still a few feet away and those feet are pretty treacherous. And then sometimes it is just all wonderful and sunny – sunshine and unicorns.
Last night I participated in some good old fashioned and much needed self care. I attended a concert by a group of people within my community. When I left my job and went back to grad school, my partner and I had to scale back on spending. We stopped going out to dinner, we stopped going to the movies, we shifted how we shopped (for us – not the dogs, obviously 🙂 ). These tickets, however, were deemed “essentials.” A girl has her limits – and everyone needs to keep some space in their life for uplifting their heart and their soul. So I went last night, in need of connection and a bit of a boost.
It was a wonderful concert – they sang some amazing songs and they performed them incredibly, of course. But for the first time it didn’t give me the boost that I was seeking. The theme was about the work that still remains undone, and I am keenly aware of that. But then something truly wonderful happened – and this I can only attribute to synchronicity or divine intervention or the Universe or whatever you want to call it. I ran into a man who was very influential in my life. He helped me when I was at a crossroads in my life, both personally and professionally, and helped me start to crack open my shell. He started me on a path that led to me giving myself permission to answer my soul’s calling. And yeah, I’ve had a shitty few weeks, but I’ve been picking up the phone and engaging in the conversations – and that is still better than just never answering that call.
Now I go to a lot of these concerts. I love them, and I am usually very happy when I am there – like a kid in a candy store. I have to stop myself from singing along because ain’t nobody there to hear my voice. But it is so much fun. But they aren’t there to hear me. But it is so much fun and their selections are awesome. But seriously, no. Fine, I will just sing it my head — and in the car for days after. Over the last maybe 7 1/2 years or so, I have run into this man exactly two times at these concerts – each time when I was feeling low. I don’t think that it was a coincidence that I saw him last night. I sit in the same seats each time and never before has he sat in front of me. But last night he did. I think he was placed there to remind me of the power of positive impact. I could feel myself steering towards a more negative place, and I’m generally not like that – I am a full hearted optimist. I could feel the shift inside: the self-doubt, the “fuck this” of it all. Then I saw him and I remembered, and gratitude brought me back. Gratitude and the unbelievable power and timing of something greater than me that I don’t pretend to understand, but I respect and for which I am thankful.
And yeah, I realize that this sounds like the Universe is twisting and turning for me – and inherent in that is a bit of arrogance. Yeah, I can be arrogant. But I also think that we underestimate the power of our individual and collective selves. And I am positive that the universe wasn’t ONLY acting for me last night – March 17, 2018 wasn’t dedicated “Kat’s Night” – if it was there would have been a lot more pizza. Great, now I want pizza. Okay, back to the gratitude list — I’m grateful for the granola bars, I’m grateful for the granola bars… this may take a while. 🙂