Kat's Corner

It’s been a terrible couple of years. The pandemic isn’t helping, but it isn’t the worst of it. Globally, of course, it is. Locally it isn’t. Locally I had been dealing with my own pandemic for years, and it seemed like it was just about to come to close right when COVID hit. My incredibly lengthy divorce is over now, all the pieces are finalized. There was a lot of bad at the end, some mixed stuff in the middle, and a lot of good at the beginning. I hold onto the good, I am grateful that the bad is over. I can see how the end of the marriage is not a failure, it’s a conclusion, and I can see how this ending clears the path for a more expansive path for each of us. It was necessary that it end… and what a terrible ending it was.

The beautiful work my former partner and I had done is now in jeopardy. We had love in our marriage, and we went through very difficult times. We both supported and failed to support each other in very key ways. We tried. We did do something VERY well, something of which I am extraordinarily proud. We stood up for ourselves in the face of prejudice and discrimination. We righted a wrong.

My then partner was denied access to me when I was in the hospital — this happened several times actually, but one time quite egregiously – and then when we tried to address it we were actively and repeatedly dismissed. They tried to silence us and we refused to be silenced. We stood up and we effected change. By filing a formal complaint with a federal agency, connecting with advocacy and legal organizations, and participating in media interviews, we got that hospital and an affiliated hospital to change their training materials, re-train staff, and ultimately move to being identified as an LGBTQ+ healthcare ally. We did that together. She moved out of her comfort zone and I moved out of mine, speaking on our individual and shared trauma. We shared a lot through speaking out, and still there was more. You don’t just walk away emotionally untouched from an experience where you almost die or you witness your partner almost dying. At the point we needed each other the most, we were forcibly separated from each other. That leaves a mark.

When we spoke out our motives were questioned. Some people thought we were looking for attention or looking for a payday. Some people thought we were angry lesbians with an axe to grind. What is funny is that if any of these people knew us at all they would have known that the last thing my former partner wants in life is attention, and the last thing I want regarding my health is attention. And we both have every reason to NOT stir up tensions with the local hospital. We lived in fear for the next several years that we would need them – which we did since we both have chronic medical conditions – and they would recognize our names upon admission. Fun fact: you don’t get to choose which hospital an ambulance takes you to during a medical emergency, they just take you to the closest one with the ability to care for you. But that didn’t stop people from spouting off about those angry lesbians who must obviously be in this for the money. Because of course if a marginalized person is harmed, the presumption is that they didn’t meet some standard of appropriateness, as opposed to the “dominant” culture somehow being exclusionary of valid perspectives that do not fit into its viewpoint/standards.

Last night I burst into tears. We worked so hard, we now have these rights. We were very small cogs in a very big machine. But we spoke out, we told our story, and I know that we changed hearts and minds, and that makes a difference. And while I don’t think that Marriage Equality will fully roll back, I do think that our rights are at risk of being eroded. In Texas recently a regulatory board removed protections for LGBTQ people and those with disabilities who seek social services, making it legal to deny services to members of these groups. The Behavioral Health Council later voted to restore those protections, but only after weeks of active backlash and advocacy. According to the Texas Tribune, the rationale for removing the protections in the first place was because “the code’s non-discrimination protections went beyond protections laid out in the state law that governs how and when they state may discipline social workers.”

So basically the default setting is:

* “limit the scope of protecting against discrimination as much as possible”

* “amplify the voices of majority populations”

as opposed to:

* “work against/prevent/end discriminatory practices”

* “educate about bias and discrimination in order to reduce – if not eliminate – both the frequency and intensity of them” or

* “amplify – or at a minimum listen to – the voices of unheard/underheard/marginalized populations.”

I burst into tears because again and always our rights are threatened. I burst into tears because I couldn’t talk to the person who had been my companion in this fight. I found myself wanting to give her a hug yesterday. Not because we are on such great terms – we aren’t – but because we had been through this war together, and we did something good. I wanted to acknowledge this grief with her. And I can’t. Another casualty of this war, and another casualty of divorce. The whole thing sucks.

The whole things sucks, and it is all rooted in Love. That’s the real kicker. None of this would hurt or even be possible if Love wasn’t present. The entire “debate” over LGBTQ+ rights is fundamentally a debate about Love. Do you honor Love or don’t you? When you see it, when you feel it, when you have it, what do you do with it?

I Choose Love. Every minute of the day, every day of the week, I Choose Love. Sometimes it hurts like a mofo; sometimes it means that I will experience pain like I never thought was possible; sometimes it means releasing something or someone I want to cling to with all my might. At my low points I was sitting there, on my couch, both not wanting to be touched and desperately hoping to be seen and held. In the end though, Love does conquer fear, and hurt, and pain, and yes, even ego and pride if you move out of your own way long enough to let it.

Marginalized folks, a lot of dirt is getting thrown in our faces. Rights are getting stripped, lives are being lost/actively sacrificed, and violence (physical, psychological, and spiritual) is being normalized, even encouraged. Choosing Love is not a sign of weakness, it is our greatest strength. Choosing Love does not leave us vulnerable, it unites us with a bond that transcends distinct communities. Choosing Love does not negate critical thinking or physical protection, it opens our minds and hearts to connect with each other, such that our operating stance is not a position of division but of collaboration and cooperation. Choosing Love takes the space between us and invites the other person in for conversation and connection, as opposed to measuring the distance and saying “this gap can never be bridged.”

It’s been a terrible couple of years. And it’s been a wonderful couple of years. Dialectics. I’m grateful for the dialectic – the beautiful, transformative, lighthouse in a storm dialectic. When fear or hurt show up, Choose Love. Choose Love because you are worthy of Love. Love is always present. I promise you it is there, even and especially when you can’t find it or feel it, it’s there, waiting for you. Love is always present, and you – we – are always worthy of it.